When I was drinking my life was one Big Lie. I would go to any length to protect my alcoholism. In May 2013, I will have three years of sobriety. This last year my brain has finally got back to some sort of normalcy. I look back over the last 20 years and wonder where it went. I’m 41 years old and basically starting over. I lost absolutely everything except for my life. I lost my marriage to my high school sweet heart, I lost three of the most beautiful children in the world and a awesome job at a large insurance company here in Minneapolis.
I crossed that invisble line of alcoholism when I was 28 years old. The line once crossed began a life of misery. I started waking up in the morning not feeling right. I felt shaky and my anxiety was real high. I soon discovered having a beer in the morning would alleviate the problem. Not only would it get rid of the shakes, but it also gave me that boost of confidence and physical energy.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Meaning it never gets better, it only gets worse. Once you get to the point were you have to drink just to feel “normal” you become trapped and you begin to lie like Pinocchio just to hide the fact that you have to drink to feel well. I felt so lonely and trapped.
Here I am just married with one child and I am drinking beers in the shower to get rid of the shakes so I can go to work. Driving to work I was drinking beer the whole way there. I look back now and can’t believe I thought I could fool all these people. I thought I could chew a piece of gum and nobody would notice a thing. How wrong I was, when we are in our addiction our minds convince us that we are right and everybody else is wrong. Co-workers would ask if I was drinking because they could smell it. It was obvious, I was drinking beer for god sake. I would look at them like they were crazy and just lie to their face.
This is the worst part of being an alcoholic. Your whole life centers around obtaining, consuming, hiding, and creating lies to cover up lies you already told. You can’t tell a normal person that you have to drink so you feel normal or sober. They would look at you like you were crazy. After 8 hours of covering up my drinking at work I would come home and try to do the same to my wife. I had bottles of vodka hidden all over the house and yard. I withdrew from family events that didn’t involve alcohol.
One day while at work I was going through withdrawals real bad because I was unable to drink that morning. I remember talking to an agent on the phone and then I remember my vision and speech started to slur and the next thing you know I was in a full blown seizure. I was taken out of work by an ambulance and had to go to detox for a couple of days. I was so embarrassed coming back to work.
Over the years at work several people had approached me about my drinking and offered their help. These people were not alcoholics but had parents who were. They knew what I was going through and were watching me go down the tubes. I told them I don’t have a problem with alcohol and always looked at them as geeks or pussy’s. How sad, if I were to have taken their help at that time and if I were to have gone to those meetings with Dan a fellow co worker. I could of saved my marriage, my family, and my career. But I did not listen because my alcoholic mind was telling me that they were wrong and that my drinking was different.
That company sent me through 30 day inpatient treatment twice and paid me while I was there. They saw my talents and potential but I did not. All I cared about was alcohol. I eventually resigned from the company so I could drink full time. My wife left me and I got kicked out of the house. Why did this happen ? because I was believing a Lie. I listened to my alcoholic mind that was telling me that this time it will be different. It was a lie. Listen to the people who are reaching out to you. They know what’s best and are doing it because they love you.